Sunday, April 17, 2011

History Does Matter

Attempting to be the best Dad I can, I always have to look back and try to remember how my father lived his life. How he treated my mother, how he took care of his children, and his actions in general.

Unfortunately for me, I have too little. One event that has always been popping up (since there are too little memory) is when I was praying with Dad when I was 14 or 15.

I have ample religious knowledge, from schools and none from my father. When I asked my Mom one day about how to perform a cleansing bath, she responded "you're too young for that, are you that horny and wants to get married?".

Back to the story, I was performing my prayers well but my father ended up one of his main readings with an unusual amen with an "ah...." sound, something like when you're really thirsty and got a drink of Coke. He was my father and even though he was rarely around, I thought this is correct so I followed his way.

After we finished our prayer he turned to me with an angry face and said, "Are you teasing me?". I was of course, clueless but I was sad. I didn't dare to talk back.

And there are moments when he gets angry when I couldn't recite certain prayers properly. His words were usually, "even your little brother can recite this properly". Well excuse me, the little brother lived with him (different mother due to polygami) and went to a religious school. His words hurt me a lot.

(Prayers for the little one, he's now gone many years back because of an motorcycle accident)

My points are:

  1. Even if the father is rarely around a teenager will still look up to him as a father, and try to please him as much as he can
  2. If you've never taught anything to your child, you don't have the rights to be angry at him or her. You have neglected your responsibility.
  3. After too much trying and being let down, a human will give up and now I don't look up or love him anymore. I still know he's my father but now, he's considered as a "biological father"
My father is now senile, and he's very old. Still, I don't have any intention to express any kind of love to him let alone take care of him. If he dies, I will say my prayers as a son who never gets the love and attention he deserves from his father.


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