Sunday, April 17, 2011

History Does Matter

Attempting to be the best Dad I can, I always have to look back and try to remember how my father lived his life. How he treated my mother, how he took care of his children, and his actions in general.

Unfortunately for me, I have too little. One event that has always been popping up (since there are too little memory) is when I was praying with Dad when I was 14 or 15.

I have ample religious knowledge, from schools and none from my father. When I asked my Mom one day about how to perform a cleansing bath, she responded "you're too young for that, are you that horny and wants to get married?".

Back to the story, I was performing my prayers well but my father ended up one of his main readings with an unusual amen with an "ah...." sound, something like when you're really thirsty and got a drink of Coke. He was my father and even though he was rarely around, I thought this is correct so I followed his way.

After we finished our prayer he turned to me with an angry face and said, "Are you teasing me?". I was of course, clueless but I was sad. I didn't dare to talk back.

And there are moments when he gets angry when I couldn't recite certain prayers properly. His words were usually, "even your little brother can recite this properly". Well excuse me, the little brother lived with him (different mother due to polygami) and went to a religious school. His words hurt me a lot.

(Prayers for the little one, he's now gone many years back because of an motorcycle accident)

My points are:

  1. Even if the father is rarely around a teenager will still look up to him as a father, and try to please him as much as he can
  2. If you've never taught anything to your child, you don't have the rights to be angry at him or her. You have neglected your responsibility.
  3. After too much trying and being let down, a human will give up and now I don't look up or love him anymore. I still know he's my father but now, he's considered as a "biological father"
My father is now senile, and he's very old. Still, I don't have any intention to express any kind of love to him let alone take care of him. If he dies, I will say my prayers as a son who never gets the love and attention he deserves from his father.


Heart Touching Moments

I was at a local religious center the other day, and I saw a father with a son about 9-10 years old. When reaching a wide drain the father held his son up and helped him cross. This simple moment touched my heart as my father never did that for me.

I've always done that for my son, now aged 28 months. Thinking of what I see everyday, I realized now why our neighbor's children always looked at me with sad eyes when I return home from work, pick up my son and take him to the playground (or into the car for a cruise). The children are aged 4-5 years old and the father once home will either hibernate into the bedroom or jump into his Mitsubishi Evo with noisy muffler and drive away only to return at 3AM. They are highly dependent on the maid who is also acting as a nanny.

I am not saying that I am a great father, but I am now 32 years old and I can still feel the emptiness of my father being never available for me, let alone pick me up in his arms and bring me somewhere to spend time with. It's a void that will never be filled. The moment is once in a lifetime and it has passed. If he wants to do that to me right now, he'll break his arms trying to pick up a 95kg man.

My point is, we can still remember our past time as kids even after we grow up and moments are only once for a child so we should cherish it when we have the opportunity.